A journal of questionable quality

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Speedo Mens Trio Aquashort

Bare arsed courtesy of speedo®
Speedo®, the great icon of all things swimming. Speedo®, the (apparently) new icon for gays. Speedo®, the innovator, the designer, the creator of wondrous skin suits that make people go very fast in the water.

Speedo®, I am afraid to report, make a substandard product. A seriously substandard product. Speedo® Mens Trio Aquashort - the 'endurance' model, the only choice for people who have grown too old, and too self conscious to effect their 'dick togs' as we call them here. Speedo®, the pinnacle of chlorine resistance, the absolute cutting edge of fabric design. The name seen on millions of bums world wide as poor fools do their advertising for them.

You know the ones. You know the company. Speedo®. Speedo® must not be trusted, dear readers, do not relax if you own a pair of Speedo®s. You are in dire danger.

I own, because of loathsome quality control on Speedo®s part, two pair of the above mentioned swimming shorts; three if you count the pair that are down being repaired. The reason I own so many pair is really quite simple. With no offense intended to the hard working and undoubtedly well underpaid Chinese workers who make these items for the global giant, they are simply unable to make a pair that are consistent in size.


I have two pair that purport to be 18's. They are in the region of an inch different in width. I have one pair that insist they are size 20, a size that would fall of me any day of the week. Unless they had been made by Speedo®. If they have been made by Speedo® they manage to approach a cross between a 16 and an 18.

Speedo® make an inferior product. They are unable to maintain control of the sizing.

Speedo® make an inferior product in another area as well. Within one swim session I noticed the seam at the back was pulling - evident to anyone with functioning eyesight by the gap in the seam and the sewing pulling apart. The seam sewing, incidentally, is not the same colour as the item, so as to expose the fault to a better degree.

The seam 'expansion' did not get any worse, and because my arse is underwater most of the time anyway I imagined that it would stay the same. Substandard, but the same.

I know exactly how many times I have entered the water with these inferior aquashorts - I have a membership of the local pool, they tend to keep track of these things.

I have not managed more than 50 'immersions' in them. If that.

Yesterday, a normal session. 50 laps freestyle with Speedo® goggles, 10 laps with a Speedo® kickboard. Finish. No handstands, no acrobatic moves, no swinging from the ceiling.

Out of the pool, into the car, home. Breeze is evident around my arse. Pleasant on such a hot day, but not entirely expected.

A cursory feel of the cooler area and I find I am holding my arse, not my aquashorts. Interesting.

It appears, after investigation, that the rear seam if a single sewn, overlocked affair that would be unacceptable in any item of clothing, more so in something that is 'supposedly' designed to adapt to the rigors of swimming.

Speedo® make a substandard product. I need the world to know this, least they find that they bare their arse at a time when they would rather not.

The good news is, while at the shop searching for a pair of Nike to get me by until my reinforced repaired ones arrive back from the sewing woman, it was noted that because the Nike® stock had sold out so quickly, they were offering other, inferior brands at a 50% discount, so, fatalistic person that I am, I tried on a pair of Speedo that should have fitted me, and strangely did, in my real size, and managed to get item for half price. The saving can then be put toward getting them reinforced before I venture into the water.

So, I now own three pair of substandard aquashorts, two pair of them being tagged at incorrect sizes, one pair getting repaired.

You live, you learn.

Speedo® make a substandard product - you have been warned.

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